


I Can't Forget You

by pastelprinceee (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 16:54:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4027597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/pastelprinceee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Relationships are complicated, especially with someone who thinks they’re at the top of the world forever and always. Still, you know that, no matter how hard you try, feelings will never completely leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Forget You

**Author's Note:**

> made for hoemstuck shipping wars 2014, just recently rediscovered

Being a part of a game that, ultimately, destroyed your world and all of your species was not the easiest thing to deal with. In fact, some could say it was traumatizing, especially when you had the whole weight of practically remaking said species all over again when it was done and over with.

 

You knew this first hand. The knowledge that the matriorb would be your responsibility was, admittedly, a bit overwhelming. It was expected, and no one can really blame you for feeling that way; not everyone was prepared emotionally to endure an apocalypse.

 

\--

 

Your relationship with Vriska was a very long, very complicated one. You two met by word of mouth and mutual friends, and upon finding out that she was, to put it crudely, a bitch, you were tempted to terminate the start of whatever it was you two had starting.

 

You didn't, though, and that was perhaps one of the best decisions you had made in a long time. Everyone had sweets spots, and Vriska Serket was no different. It just took you a little bit longer to find our what hers were.

 

At first, you were pretty positive you hated her. Plantonically, and then not, and then platonically again; the feelings usually fluctuated every time you two spoke, or, on a bad day, every other line she wrote. The struggle was real for you, honestly.

 

Eventually, you two grew closer and closer until people were joking you were flushed red for each other. Which you found... not absurd, but not right, either. You just didn't think it was the appropriate time for titles like that.

 

You did, however, agree that a quadrant arrangement was to be in order. The conversation was long, and awkward, and there was nervousness from both sides. It was at that time that your thinkpan snapped together and you finally figured out that, yes, maybe there was some unrequited one-sided flushed feelings from your end. Maybe, possibly, but you refused to bring anything of that sort up. Instead, you laid out on the metaphorical table the offer to become moirails, and you were happy that she accepted.

 

After that, your relationship with her soared to unmeasurable heights. You two spoke at least every day, and if you didn't, you spoke twice as much the next. You sent pictures of yourself to her and she did the same in return, and you two also sent pictures of things like your rooms, your lusii, and even random objects you found funny. All was well.

 

Despite the fact that the moiraillegiance was working out great and nothing seemed to be going wrong at all, there was still that nagging itch at the back of your mind that reminded you everytime you two talked that she didn't feel the same way towards you. And it killed you to think about it.

 

You never expected yourself to fall for Vriska Serket, but you did.

 

\--

 

Pitying someone was an odd sensation that made your stomach erupt in a flurry of fluttering tiny wingbeasts. Thinking about having Vriska as your moirail and your matesprit (and sometimes, just your matesprit) made your bloodpusher stop momentarily and your thinkpan positively melt. How wonderful it was, to feel this way about someone.

 

At least, it would be, if the other someone felt the same way about you.

 

Vriska never shut her talk blaster about Tavros Nitram whom, upon further inspection, was actually not a bad guy. It was hard to be annoyed with someone who was so, well... awkward. You couldn't even be annoyed by the fact that he was awkward because you just felt bad afterwards. It was an odd cycle.

 

You didn't have any bad feelings towards the guy, but you would be lying if you said that you weren't jealous that he got to be so close to Vriska. You were her moirail, her palemate, for God's sake, why weren't you closer to her?

 

Jealousy was not the same as hatred of the platonic kind, and don't let anyone tell you differently.

 

\--

 

The game was stressful enough without having to deal with a dramatic quadrantmate half of the time. And only half of the time was, actually, not nearly enough time for you two to seriously get to talk. From what you gathered, she was busy helping Tavros with all of his sidequests and you found yourself getting madder at her than at him.

 

You had, of course, eventually found out about Vriska's feelings for him (it was apparently obvious to everyone except you that she "dug him", as one ludicrous juggalo friend put it) and there was almost a temptation to tell her that she was just imagining them. Of course, that wasn't how moirails worked, so she offered to auspitice their complicated relationship instead and eventually that whole thing just fell apart and you didn't even try anymore.

 

A lot of the time of LORAF was spent looking around and reading the article you found explaining everything that would happen. It wasn't easy, and actually proved to be rather difficult, but whenever you got a message from Vriska it took all of your willpower not to drop everything and answer her.

 

Normally, the conversations were quick, but there were a few that were long and drawn out. Said conversations were nice, managed to wash your mind a little bit, and definitely were appreciated.

 

You found yourself having one of those little (or, not so little) conversations with her one day, and it was the day you realized you could not escape pitying her easily.

 

\-- arachnidsGrip began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -- 

AG: Heeeeeeeey, fussyfangs!

AG: We haven't talked in a8solutely forever! How crazy is that?

GA: Quite Crazy

AG: Yeah.

AG: Well, I just dropped by to say that I still think a8out you. When I'm running around, 8eing all 8adass and shit like that, the thing at the front of my mind is "if only Kanaya could see me 8eing so COOL right now!!!!!!!!".

GA: I Am Flattered That I Am Thought Of While Youre Running Around Doing Things That Will Likely Get You Killed

AG: That's where you're wrong, though, Ms. Meddler. I'm not dead yet, so that o8viously means that everything I've 8een doing so far has been right! ::::)

GA: I Wouldnt Go So Far As Calling All Of Your Previous Actions Correct

AG: You're pro8a8ly just jealous 8ecause your land isn't as sweet as mine!

AG: I mean, seriously. Do you have 8ridges? Does your sky have a compass? I think not!

GA: I Have A Volcano

GA: I Believe That Is Pretty Sweet

AG: Pfffffffft! As if. That's nothing to 8rag about, Maryam, honestly.

GA: I Suppose There Isnt Too Much For Me To Brag About

GA: Im Not Too Particularly Interested In A Competition Of Who Has A Better Land

AG: 8ecause you'd LOSE!!!!!!!!

GA: No

GA: Because It Is Dumb

AG: GASP! I can't 8elieve you just used that word to descri8e things I enjoy doing! I'll have you know that that is assholery and wrong on SOOOOOOOO many levels!

GA: You Enjoy Telling Everyone Your Land Is Better Than Theirs

AG: May8e.

AG: What I do in my spare time is my 8usiness, not yours.

GA: I Suppose So

GA: So How Is Tavros Doing

AG: Why do you ask?

GA: Simply Curious

AG: Weeeeeeeell...

AG: I'm sort of curious how you know that Tavros is anywhere near my general vicinity!

GA: I Never Said I Did

GA: I Was Simply Asking A Question That Didnt Imply He Was Anywhere Near You

GA: For All I Know You Could Just Be Speaking A Lot Over Trollian

GA: But Now I Know It Is More Than That

AG: You are a truuuuuuuue meddler.

AG: Meddle Mc. Meddlefangs.

AG: Here to ruin the fun! Stay tuned.

GA: I Am Not Ruining The Fun

GA: I Also Do Not Meddle

AG: LIES! We have photographic proof that you do.

AG: Aaaaaaaanyways.

AG: I think he's doing well. To 8e completely honest, half of the time I'm not really sure. He's weird, that one.

GA: Your Relationship With Him Continues To Confuse Me

AG: Why do you say that????????

GA: Well

GA: Because You Two Seem To Switch From Being Alright With Each Other To What Seems Lke Platonic Hatred

GA: Or Maybe Even Not Platonic

AG: Ohhhhhhhh! I see what's going on. :::;)

GA: What

AG: You're jealous!

GA: Im Jealous

AG: You're. Jealous!

GA: And What Exactly Am I Jealous Of

AG: Mine and Tavros' relationship, of course!

GA: I Can Assure You I Am Not

AG: You totally are! You're afraid I'm flushing pale for him and not you.

AG: I can GUARANTEE that is anything but true, Kanaya!

GA: Thats What I Was Afraid Of

AG: What do you mean?

GA: Nothing

GA: Hello

AG: Sorry. I've gotta get going! It was increeeeeeeedi8le talking with you again, fussy!

AG: We'll talk again later. ::::)

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]< \--

 

It took you a few minutes to actually register what had happened, after that.

 

You were so confused. All of your feelings and emotions were one big mess of gloop sitting in the back of your thinkpan and at the bottom of your bloodpusher. It was disheartening to know that your feelings weren't reciprocated, but, at the same time, you wanted her to be happy. She was your moirail, after all, so would it be selfish to want her in more than just the pale portion of the quadrant sections? Maybe.

 

After that, you began thinking far too much. Were you even pitying Vriska in the first place or did you just have a huge case of clinginess? Were these feelings always fake and in your brain and you just didn't know how to organize and manage them so they came off as something they never were? After all, she was your first quadrantmate ever, as well as your first red crush. It was easy to get feelings mixed up when you were young and utterly, unbelievabley reckless. So reckless, in fact, you often threw parties despite that your lusus told you not to, and burned your hive down on more than one occasion. Yes, truly reckless.

 

Okay, no, you were never a reckless type. That much was obvious, and it was also obvious that all of that was sarcasm. ...Or, not all of it. The whole mini feelings-jam type thing was anything but sarcastic, and you figure that the reader should understand that. And if they don't, you figure you two probably will not get along very well.

 

Anywho. After discussing your feelings with yourself, you decided to talk it over with someone who was anything but a professional but who gave great advice pertaining to the matter at hand.

 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

 

GA: Hello Karkat

CG: OH, SHIT, LOOK WHO CRAWLED OUT OF THE ABYSS THAT IS THEIR LIFE.

CG: IT'S BOTH OF US, BECAUSE AT THIS POINT EVERYONE'S EXISTENCE IS SHIT. UTTER CRAP. CRAP AND SHIT AND I'M SO FED UP WITH THIS CIRCLE JERK OF EVERYTHING.

CG: GAH

GA: Oh

GA: I Am Sorry For That

GA: Would You Like To Talk About It

CG: NO, NOT REALLY.

CG: IT'S JUST. ERIDAN KEEPS BUGGING ME TO COME TO HIS LAND AND I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S FUCKING *EVERYTHING* UP OVER THERE BUT I'M ALREADY CONFUSED ENOUGH AS IT IS OVER HERE IN LAND OF PRETTY COLORS NON-REALISTIC BUILDING PHYSICS.

CG: SERIOUSLY. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

GA: It Sounds Like You Want To Talk About It

CG: NO, I DON'T.

GA: I Beg To Differ

CG: WELL YOU SHOULD BEG TO AGREE WITH ME.

CG: OR. DON'T.

CG: THAT'S WEIRD.

CG: DID YOU NEED SOMETHING? BECAUSE, NO OFFENSE, BUT IF YOU DIDN'T THEN I'VE SORT OF ALREADY GOT MY HANDS FULL HERE.

GA: Well

GA: Yes Actually

CG: WELL, SHOOT, THEN.

GA: You Know How I Told You Earlier That I Was Planning On Abandoning My Feelings For Vriska

CG: YEAH?

GA: It Is Difficult

CG: AS IT SHOULD BE.

CG: I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BE HAVING A PARTY WHILE YOU SIT DOWN AND OBSERVE THE FACT THAT NOT PITYING SOMEONE YOU OBVIOUSLY PITY IS DIFFICULT. NO ONE'S CELEBRATING, NO ONE'S CHEERING YOU ON, BECAUSE IT'S BULLSHIT.

CG: BUT SINCE IT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO I RECOMMEND YOU DO YOUR BEST.

CG: NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOME THINGS I NEED TO DEAL WITH.

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

 

After all of that was over, you couldn't help but feel a little bit more confused. On one hand, the temptation to ignore your moirail was high, and you were very much considering it. On the other hand, moirail duties were telling you to do otherwise, because that was stupid. And you were selfish. That much was clear.

 

Your mind couldn't linger on this for very long, because you were busy. Soon, you were on your feet again, all of the relationship drama gone on the wind.

 

\--

 

You absolutely could not believe this hellbeast.

 

After weeks of you two not talking (mainly on your end, she couldn't be blamed for that), she decided that going up to you would be a good, reasonable idea. Just diving right back into your relationship like nothing happened, even though it was obvious you were pissed off and not in the mood.

 

Even that wasn't all that bad considering what she said next. Apparently, your skills from cutting off Tavros' legs a little while earlier were to be interpreted as something along the lines of "settling a score", and that "score" was the fact that Tavros had gone for Vriska, and not you. She thought you were flushed for Tavros! How ridiculous. How dumb, and stupid, and absolutely frustrating.

 

The fact that she continued to try and defend herself by saying the poor guy "went" for her continued to piss you off beyond belief. You still managed to keep your cool, but inside, you were screaming your fucking lungs out.

 

Vriska having the nerve to say and do a lot of things normal trolls wouldn't be able to say or do was something you admired in her, but not at that moment. Definitely not at that moment.

 

"Could you leave me alone?" you asked, which was, you decided, a perfectly reasonable question considering what you have gone through within the past few minutes.

 

"Hey, which one are you spying on there? Someone new to meddle with?" she asked, snickering as she leaned over to peer at your screen.

 

With a giant sigh and your hands clenched into fists, you pushed your elbow back into her chest and hissed, "I said leave."

 

"Fine, God," she mumbled, before finally stalking away to bother Terezi or someone else.

 

It was all terrible, and that day was terrible, and even meddling -- ahem, watching the alien children did not help your mood all that much.

 

\--

 

Dying was, you decided, a weird thing.

 

After Eridan went bonkers and destroyed the matriorb (and killed Feferi and knocked out and blinded Sollux, which were also fairly relevant events at the time), you were beyond prepared to fight. In fact, your whole being, your whole entity was ready to destroy this guy at everything he thought he was good at but before you could you were gone.

 

Everything was very confusing after that, but when you woke up and found there was a gaping hole in your stomach, you were concerned, but more pissed off. The problem was quickly fixed by tying a certain sea dweller's stupid dumb lame cape around it and finishing it off in a perfect bow. You looked marvelous, you'd say.

 

After finding your way to where you wanted to be, you had to say it was quite a site. Vriska, standing there in her Godtier (fuck that, you still couldn't believe she put Tavros through everything she did), along with Gamzee in Nepeta's hat and Eridan -- Eridan. Haha. More like Eridead.

 

You didn't even have time to question why Gamzee's face was bloody or why the three of them were even having a 3x SHOWDOWN COMBO, before you were running full speed ahead and damn did you feel exhilarated.

 

A swift kick to a clown's bone bulge and you were ready to destroy the universe; or, at least, what was left of it. You weren't too picky.

 

After terminating any and all confidence that murderous honking beast may have had left, complete with kicking him off the side of a cliff, you couldn't help but glance over at Vriska. She looked bewildered, absolutely befuddled, and you suddenly felt more anger than manageable.

 

It wasn't per say the anger of her not having the same feelings that made you punch Vriska Serket in the face, but more along the lines of the fact that she put others through so much and yeah okay maybe you were a bit frustrated. Taking your anger and balling it into your fist instead of your thinkpan was very good therapy, you decided.

 

You had no idea what her instant reaction to that was, because soon you were turned towards Eridan and snatching that stupid contraption of a wand out of his hand and jeez you couldn't believe you made it in the first place.

 

One swift crack, a thorough DEBUNK-ing and a look at Eridan's sheer expression of horror later, you were whipping out your chainsaw and getting rid of that specific problem. No more would he be an issue.

 

Before you knew it, shades (probably belonging to a now deceased aquantince, you recon) were settling themselves on your face and you decided that, yes, you were a badass and, no, you didn't need a 8itchy Godtier romanticizer to make you feel good about yourself. There was blood on your hands and you face and your lipstick, but you put it on nevertheless, because you wanted to show everyone that you were the lead role at that moment. And by everyone, you meant Vriska.

 

You could practically see the less than threes forming in her mind, and at that moment, you swore your power level was infinite.

 

\--

 

The day you finally saw Vriska dead (and not fake-dead, either, dead-dead) was both relieving and upsetting. Obviously, she was your moirail. She cared for you and you cared for her in ways that were marvelous and, in essence, it was the best relationship you've ever had (platonic and not).

 

However, you finally decided that you could lay your feelings for her to rest. She turned right back into the asshole of a stranger you first met a long, long time ago. Maybe, for a quick minute, your feelings were reciprocated and maybe that was all you needed. There were better things in the world than falling horns-over-heels for some chick who was given pleasure in other people's pain.

 

Still, a part of you would always miss her. Forcing yourself to forget Vriska Serket was like forcing yourself to forget a vital piece of information and sweeps worth of fun. Remembering the good times was what counted, right?

 

\--

 

Eventually, you managed to forget.

 

Not completely. Never completely. But it stops nagging at you everyday and biting at your shoulders and the like, and even when she's brought up and it gets tense because people think you're going to flip your shit, there's a new air of satisfaction around you that tries to tell people that your shit is totally calm. You knew Vriska Serket -- like, you knew knew her. And while you didn't know her anymore, and you had a feeling that for a while before her death you didn't, either, you once knew her. From strangers, to close, to moirails, to distant quadrantmates and finally to strangers again, you could say that the cycle of your relationship with her was the best you could have asked for. Even if you won't always admit it.

  
  



End file.
